Tuesday, December 13, 2016

I Like Acting Tough, Am I?

My family acknowledged that I love to act, in my own way of course. Being dramatic of some sorts. Even some of my classmates in uni thought that too. It's not that I watch drama a lot (in fact, I really not fond of watching drama), but I love seeing their expression whenever I am being dramatic. Y'know, their reaction? It really makes me happy.

Well, let's put that aside for now.

Acting tough.

Have I been acting tough?

Yeah, I think I did. Plenty of time. Or, most of the time? I couldn't remember.

One of my principle or my habit, is to think positively and stay optimistic. This might be where the 'acting tough' come from.

I still don't know the cons of acting tough, but somewhere deep in my heart, I think there's a bit of gloomy side. Just a tiny little bit okay.

So, what's the reason for acting tough? To gain respect, to make others not worry about you, to keep others to stay tough too...

A lot of things happened.

Well, part of me comforted me by saying, "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay."

Dear heart, please just be okay.

I hate complaining y'know. And I hope I will never be insyaAllah. I like to accept things the way they are. But that is where one of my shortcoming comes from.

Err... What am I blabbing now? All the points seems out of places haha. Weird.
This is not a complaining 'kay. It's called, pouring-out-what's-inside-your-heart-from-time-to-time-so-it-wouldn't-cramped-inside-and-burst-later.

Okay, till next time insyaAllah =)

Monday, July 4, 2016

Midnight thought

"I've been thinking about something. It keeps on lingering in my mind and I can't stop. I tried to get it out, but I failed. Its haunting me, and I think I wouldn't be able to be myself the way I used to in the past. I've been in a state of confusion, anxiety and a non stop worrying about that one particular thing. When I thought that I got someone by my side, I'm actually hallucinating. There's nobody by my side. I need someone to consult, someone to talk to, someone to lend their ears and shoulders for me"

- hi, this is Yong's sister. There's nothing really happened I just wanna write something. Peace yo!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Bersyukur di Mulut, Tidak di Hati

Satu kejadian membuatkan aku termenung jauh.

Apakah perasaan itu?

Terkilan? Takjub? Kecewa? Keliru?

Semuanya bercampur baur.

Aku termenung memikirkan satu sikap manusia yang selama ini aku rasa aku boleh berlapang dada, namun tidak lagi.

Sikap tidak bersyukur.


Berprasangka buruk.

Menuduh tanpa usul periksa.

Apakah ini realiti manusia?
Apa aku selama ini berada di dalam kepompong idealis?
Apa selama ini aku berada di oasis?
Sehingga semuanya tampak hodoh dan buruk di mataku apabila dunia tidak seperti yang ku duga?


Aku harus terus bergantung harap kepada Allah.
Aku harus terus meletakkan Allah yang tertinggi dalam hatiku.
Aku harus kekal berlapang dada, percaya dengan realiti dunia yang tidak dapat ku ubah sendirian.
Aku harus kekal optimis, dan merasa diri ini rendah di sisiNya.

Aku harus.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Dear Honey, I Wanna Let You Know Something

Honey dear. How are you? :)

Mom's here. You must be a very nice child since you're stalking your mom's blog haha.
I bet you've been reading all my entry without missing even one right? ;)
I dedicated this entry for you by the way.

Okay, so, let's talk about today.

I got a pretty bad mood this morning.
And I regretted it very much.
Even your Maksu Uci shouted, "Apa yang Yong membebel pagi-pagi ni?!"

I couldn't help it.
I woke up late this morning.
I used my old spectacles since the I broke the new one yesterday. The old one has a lesser power. It made me felt a bit light-headed.
I haven't ironed yet my work clothes along with your grandfather and Maksu's work shirt and school uniform.
On top of that, one of the kittens (Kakak) sneakily went into my room and peed on the mattress.
When I arrived at the kitchen, the sink was full with utensils and cups.
To make things worst, there were this green mucus (hingus) everywhere on the surface of the kitchen's floor. I found out later that Kyo's was sleeping in the house last night. He has a flu. So, he kept sneezing out the mucus everywhere.

I couldn't control my emotion this morning.
I didn't raise my voice of course. But I think everything I said that morning is full of "Why? Why? Why?".
I cleaned off the utensils in the sink quickly. Then, I worked on the floor using the kain buruk to cleanse away all the now-hardening-green-mucus. It was, of course, a tedious work. In additional, I fried Ayit's fish fillet for his breakfast, and because I was too absorbed in washing the dishes, the fillet's charred.

Your grandmother ironed your grandfather and Maksu's uniform. Together with your form four Uncle Ayit's uniform. Sigh. I told Ayit to always ready his uniform first. He's a grown up now, can iron his shirt on his own now.

After all the commotion and hectic morning, I felt like giving up to go for work this morning. Oh, just to let you know, dear, I am currently helping out your grandfather at his office. It was so tiring, and we always arrive home late, around 8.30pm - 9.00pm. The worst, 11.00pm.

That is why when the morning was as hectic as this morning, I was taken aback.
Everything's feels wrong.
I just wanna blame everyone around me, and blaming myself first will be the top priority.

Why didn't Ummi woke me up earlier?
Who didn't let all the cats out last night?
Why didn't everyone wash their own dishes after every own meal so it's not stacking up?
Why didn't I ironed the uniform and shirts last night before went to sleep?
If everything's okay that morning, I can prepare breakfast for my family perfectly.
Why? Why? Why?

So, ohh.
I felt really super duper guilty for having this unstable mind and feelings. For having a heart to complain. For waking up not in an optimistic mood. I felt so stupid for having those feeling that morning.

So, honey dear.
At work today, I've been reflecting on my actions that morning.
And I thought of you.

What kind of a mother am I in the future?
How can I manage my family in the future if I can't manage my present family well?
One day, while I am a working woman, I am also a mother, a wife and the first-born of my family.
So, I gave a lot of thought about this.
I need to change the system.
I need to discipline myself together with my brother and sisters.

I'll change insyaAllah.

So, that's all my ranting for today :)

I am still wondering who your father will be, though. Haha.
And, I am not sure if I will have you my honey dear.
I might not get the chance to get married, though.
The fate of death cannot be halted.

So, wallahu'alam :)

Last but not least, just to let you know, that I love you, dear honey.
The thought of one day that I'll be having you in my life made my heart fluffy and fluttery.


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