Friday, January 15, 2016

Dear Honey, I Wanna Let You Know Something

Honey dear. How are you? :)

Mom's here. You must be a very nice child since you're stalking your mom's blog haha.
I bet you've been reading all my entry without missing even one right? ;)
I dedicated this entry for you by the way.

Okay, so, let's talk about today.

I got a pretty bad mood this morning.
And I regretted it very much.
Even your Maksu Uci shouted, "Apa yang Yong membebel pagi-pagi ni?!"
Haha.

I couldn't help it.
I woke up late this morning.
I used my old spectacles since the I broke the new one yesterday. The old one has a lesser power. It made me felt a bit light-headed.
I haven't ironed yet my work clothes along with your grandfather and Maksu's work shirt and school uniform.
On top of that, one of the kittens (Kakak) sneakily went into my room and peed on the mattress.
When I arrived at the kitchen, the sink was full with utensils and cups.
To make things worst, there were this green mucus (hingus) everywhere on the surface of the kitchen's floor. I found out later that Kyo's was sleeping in the house last night. He has a flu. So, he kept sneezing out the mucus everywhere.

Ah.
I couldn't control my emotion this morning.
I didn't raise my voice of course. But I think everything I said that morning is full of "Why? Why? Why?".
I cleaned off the utensils in the sink quickly. Then, I worked on the floor using the kain buruk to cleanse away all the now-hardening-green-mucus. It was, of course, a tedious work. In additional, I fried Ayit's fish fillet for his breakfast, and because I was too absorbed in washing the dishes, the fillet's charred.

Your grandmother ironed your grandfather and Maksu's uniform. Together with your form four Uncle Ayit's uniform. Sigh. I told Ayit to always ready his uniform first. He's a grown up now, can iron his shirt on his own now.

After all the commotion and hectic morning, I felt like giving up to go for work this morning. Oh, just to let you know, dear, I am currently helping out your grandfather at his office. It was so tiring, and we always arrive home late, around 8.30pm - 9.00pm. The worst, 11.00pm.

That is why when the morning was as hectic as this morning, I was taken aback.
Everything's feels wrong.
I just wanna blame everyone around me, and blaming myself first will be the top priority.

Why didn't Ummi woke me up earlier?
Who didn't let all the cats out last night?
Why didn't everyone wash their own dishes after every own meal so it's not stacking up?
Why didn't I ironed the uniform and shirts last night before went to sleep?
If everything's okay that morning, I can prepare breakfast for my family perfectly.
Why? Why? Why?

So, ohh.
I felt really super duper guilty for having this unstable mind and feelings. For having a heart to complain. For waking up not in an optimistic mood. I felt so stupid for having those feeling that morning.

So, honey dear.
At work today, I've been reflecting on my actions that morning.
And I thought of you.

What kind of a mother am I in the future?
How can I manage my family in the future if I can't manage my present family well?
One day, while I am a working woman, I am also a mother, a wife and the first-born of my family.
So, I gave a lot of thought about this.
I need to change the system.
I need to discipline myself together with my brother and sisters.

I'll change insyaAllah.

So, that's all my ranting for today :)

I am still wondering who your father will be, though. Haha.
And, I am not sure if I will have you my honey dear.
I might not get the chance to get married, though.
The fate of death cannot be halted.

So, wallahu'alam :)

Last but not least, just to let you know, that I love you, dear honey.
The thought of one day that I'll be having you in my life made my heart fluffy and fluttery.

:)


Monday, January 11, 2016

Present

Assalamualaikum.

Currently, I have my little brother (15) and youngest sister (11) at home. My sisters below me, Angah  (23) and Ijah (22) are at their respective universities, RCMP and KUIS. The fifth daughter (14) is at a boarding school in Bentong (SUPERB).

The cats. Probably around 11 at home. Excluded those (neighboring cats) who only came to eat. I don't know where the mistake came from, but, three kittens (Abang, Kakak and Adik) love to poo and pee at certain places in the house. They have learnt how to poo in the sanitized sand we provided, and they did, but, they still will do their business in the house whenever they had a chance to enter. 

My mum (Ummi) is a housewife. She does all the house chores. But, she has limits. She can't stand too long, or lifting a heavy object, and allergic to dust. Ummi has a sickness. I've told about it in my 2009 post if I'm not mistaken. The first seizure in 2009, which lead to the information about a brain tumor. The second tragedy was in 2013 when I was in my third year. Ummi cannot be left with stress. The three mischievous kittens really stressing Ummi out. So, I have to do my best to make sure all the pee and poo clean.

Abah is currently the leader of the family. He works as a training consulting in a human resource training and consulting firm. He loves cats and children. He is really an optimistic person. I adore him so much.

Me? Currently working at Abah's company.
But still, need to iron Abah's and my sister's uniform along with mine.
Need to make breakfast for the kids including me, Abah and Ummi.
When Ummi's ironing, I will make breakfast. And vice versa.
I felt like I am a working mother.

I guess this will be like how I manage my family in the future.
Surely I'll learn little by little on how to manage my family when I am working and married with children. 
Oh, it really is tiring. 
But I am glad to feel this now.

And, I am a bit sad.
With my current self, family and work, I still can't do the 'amanah' bestowed to me properly.
I hope I'll be strong in the future so that I can manage my time well.

Ah, my grammar is at the tip of an iceberg.
Can fall down in a moment.





Monday, January 4, 2016

Sorry Won't Help

Assalamualaikum.

Woah, feel like I haven't written anything in ages.
Quite a few things happened to me after the final semester.
I would love to write it down.
About my current self, responsibilities, my jobs, feelings and stuff.

Ahh.
Mixed feelings.

About everything.

I screamed in my head, "Urghh, why are you being so irresponsible? Why are you so indecisive?!"

I got quite some responsibilities, but, I've been negleting some of them due to the unbalance management of my life.

I know I should tell someone about this.
I know I should get someone to help me.
But...

I don't know how to start.

The time's lost were very precious.

I've dissapointed everyone who put their trust on me.

Sorry.
Maaf.
Asif.
Gomennasai.
Bianne.

Though I know apologizing could never make up the time's lost.

Ahh.

I need to start over.


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