Friday, January 15, 2016

Dear Honey, I Wanna Let You Know Something

Honey dear. How are you? :)

Mom's here. You must be a very nice child since you're stalking your mom's blog haha.
I bet you've been reading all my entry without missing even one right? ;)
I dedicated this entry for you by the way.

Okay, so, let's talk about today.

I got a pretty bad mood this morning.
And I regretted it very much.
Even your Maksu Uci shouted, "Apa yang Yong membebel pagi-pagi ni?!"
Haha.

I couldn't help it.
I woke up late this morning.
I used my old spectacles since the I broke the new one yesterday. The old one has a lesser power. It made me felt a bit light-headed.
I haven't ironed yet my work clothes along with your grandfather and Maksu's work shirt and school uniform.
On top of that, one of the kittens (Kakak) sneakily went into my room and peed on the mattress.
When I arrived at the kitchen, the sink was full with utensils and cups.
To make things worst, there were this green mucus (hingus) everywhere on the surface of the kitchen's floor. I found out later that Kyo's was sleeping in the house last night. He has a flu. So, he kept sneezing out the mucus everywhere.

Ah.
I couldn't control my emotion this morning.
I didn't raise my voice of course. But I think everything I said that morning is full of "Why? Why? Why?".
I cleaned off the utensils in the sink quickly. Then, I worked on the floor using the kain buruk to cleanse away all the now-hardening-green-mucus. It was, of course, a tedious work. In additional, I fried Ayit's fish fillet for his breakfast, and because I was too absorbed in washing the dishes, the fillet's charred.

Your grandmother ironed your grandfather and Maksu's uniform. Together with your form four Uncle Ayit's uniform. Sigh. I told Ayit to always ready his uniform first. He's a grown up now, can iron his shirt on his own now.

After all the commotion and hectic morning, I felt like giving up to go for work this morning. Oh, just to let you know, dear, I am currently helping out your grandfather at his office. It was so tiring, and we always arrive home late, around 8.30pm - 9.00pm. The worst, 11.00pm.

That is why when the morning was as hectic as this morning, I was taken aback.
Everything's feels wrong.
I just wanna blame everyone around me, and blaming myself first will be the top priority.

Why didn't Ummi woke me up earlier?
Who didn't let all the cats out last night?
Why didn't everyone wash their own dishes after every own meal so it's not stacking up?
Why didn't I ironed the uniform and shirts last night before went to sleep?
If everything's okay that morning, I can prepare breakfast for my family perfectly.
Why? Why? Why?

So, ohh.
I felt really super duper guilty for having this unstable mind and feelings. For having a heart to complain. For waking up not in an optimistic mood. I felt so stupid for having those feeling that morning.

So, honey dear.
At work today, I've been reflecting on my actions that morning.
And I thought of you.

What kind of a mother am I in the future?
How can I manage my family in the future if I can't manage my present family well?
One day, while I am a working woman, I am also a mother, a wife and the first-born of my family.
So, I gave a lot of thought about this.
I need to change the system.
I need to discipline myself together with my brother and sisters.

I'll change insyaAllah.

So, that's all my ranting for today :)

I am still wondering who your father will be, though. Haha.
And, I am not sure if I will have you my honey dear.
I might not get the chance to get married, though.
The fate of death cannot be halted.

So, wallahu'alam :)

Last but not least, just to let you know, that I love you, dear honey.
The thought of one day that I'll be having you in my life made my heart fluffy and fluttery.

:)


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